Hi, it’s Susan again. I would like to discuss teenage dating. Why? Cuz I’m interested in a guy that is a little older than me but my parents have a problem with me dating at my age.
So, what is an appropriate dating age? Does it revolve around the age or the maturity level of your son or daughter?
Now parents, I know you like to relate to us and it’s not that you’re trying to tell us we’re wrong all the time but it sometimes comes out that way. I think if your child is responsible enough to be treated as a mature adult, they have good grades, and have responsible and mature thoughts on teenage issues they should have a little freedom when it comes to dating.
Sure, I’ve heard a lot about teenage pregnancies, peer pressure from dating, and learned about AIDS and STDs. But that isn’t what every teenager is about and it’s not what dating is all about. Maybe that shouldn’t be all parents talk to their kids about when it comes to dating. They might actually do some good if they talked to their children in ways that allowed them to have a choice in dating but also giving them advice that doesn’t involve the all so common terms from parents like: “I was a teenager once. I know what it’s like.” Yes once you were teenagers, but (not to sound immature and snotty) it is a different age. Not every boy wants to get in your pants and not every girl is advertising their bodies for some fun. I think if parents would sit down and get to know the person their son or daughter was interested in dating they would find many teenagers are interested in celibacy and taking things slow.
Some teenagers avoid telling their parents when they become interested in dating because they’ve grown up with their fathers saying things like: “You can’t date this boy or any boy for that matter or you will be punished.” Or little things like: “Don’t make me borrow the shotgun.” They scare their children away from asking important questions about their situations and then things can happen that lead to bigger problems than a son or daughter dating.
Another question I have is why dating an older boy is a problem for high school kid? I agree that those drastic age differences can be a little intimidating to parents but what is two years in high school? My doctor has told me multiple times that if I decide to date it should not be more than two years. So is two years an acceptable age gap? I mean especially when even our health teacher is ttells us that girls mature two years ahead of guys. So to me, two years doesn’t sound all that large. I think it really depends on the situation. We shouldn’t judge a group by the actions of a few. Parents should judge each case individually instead of comparing it with every one of their previous experiences.
This post from another blog is one I agree with very much and seems to explain my case. But I’d also like to add I’m older than 13.
I see that a lot of parents are saying not to let your daughter date because she is 13. But in the world today, kids are growing up so much faster, and her interest in boys is not going to disappear. and if they have been dating for a while. Maybe he actually does like her. Yes, most of the time boys only want one thing, but we also have to understand, there are guys who are little players who actually do find the right girl and settle down. Also, if he wants to express himself as a goth, that shouldnt be a problem, it shows he is emotional. instead of jumping to conclusions. MEET THE BOY, you might actually like him, if you put aside what he looks like. REMEMBER looks arent everything. IF your daughter is happy, then let her date him, just keep an eye on things and dont give her complete free range with him, happyness is whats best as long as he isnt dragging her down with him into his little gothic trend.
Hope you give your daughter and this boy a chance.
What do you think?
This is a tough topic for a father to discuss with his daughter. It is far easier to discuss it in the abstract, with theories and the best advice from parenting sites. It is also difficult because most of the fears that lurk behind the subject come from the parent’s past. Perhaps especially with fathers. I know what teenage boys are interested in because I was a teenage boy.
But Susan is right, this is a different age. When I was a teen AIDS didn’t exist, popular culture wasn’t awash in references to sex, and terms like date rape had yet to be invented. Teens got pregnant then, same as today, so while some things change others stay the same.
But all of that plays to the fears of fathers of daughters. To paraphrase an old saying, if you have a son, you only have to worry about one boy in the world. If you have a daughter, you have to worry about every boy in the world. A responsible daughter is a blessing, but that isn’t all there is to it.
Susan is right about something else. Fathers do need to meet the boys who want to date their daughters. They need to try and find out if that boy is responsible — a very difficult task. They also need to demonstrate their concern for their daughter. Giving that young man a sense of consequence may help steel his resolve about being responsible.
Responsibility is the key. I liked this I found on the internet:
So how do you figure out if the proper sense of responsibility exists for dating? I think it begins with having some basic rules and seeing if they can be followed. Acceptance and adherence to the rules can either be a burden or part of a growing trust relationship between the parent and the child. As the trust grows, then there should come other opportunities. Group activities can lead to group dates to individual dates. But there still needs to be rules through which the parent, if nothing else, can assure themselves about the responsibility of their child as they venture further and further toward independence and their own life.
Finally, being a teen is a time of great frustration as I recall. Nothing happens fast enough. All the really good things are always over the horizon. When you have to wait 6 months, it seems like forever. Has that changed in the decades since I stopped being a teen?
One of the first tests of teen responsibility is patience. Can you wait? The answer to that question, in any day or age, can define the rest of your life. Can you wait a reasonable amount of time to begin doing something that is both fun and fraught with peril? if the answer is: “Yes,” then that opens the door for discussion about what is a reasonable amount of time. If the answer — stated or not – is: “No,” then there isn’t much room for any further discussion about relationships or responsibility.
Perhaps the shortest way to state my position on this issue is this:
It is the father’s job to be reasonable. It is the daughter’s job to be responsible. Neither should forget that they are dealing with things that are entirely natural (girls like boys, fathers are protective of daughters). Likewise, fathers and daughters should keep in mind that their love of each other should be more important than the tension sure to come along with things like dating.
By: aesopsdaughters on July 11, 2008
at 4:13 am
My father made an excellent point but for the most part it agrees with what I am pointing out. I am a responsible child. Another point I want to make is that parents often tell their children they can date at a certain age and then back out if it. For axample my mother and her age limit of 8th. Eighth grade has come and passed and I am now setting off to high school. I think she thought they day would never come, and now that it has dating and other problems have created bigger relational problems with my parents. And I know dating tensions should not get in the way of me and my father’s relationship. But there is much more than that going on in this household… I know that every teen believes they are ready to date as soon as a guy they like comes along. But doesn’t it show a lot of responsibility and matureness that I came to both my father and my mother despite the fact that I cannot talk to them easily and discussed the fact that I was interested in a boy and agreed to terms like they could drop me off and pick me up where ever I went and the fact that it must be with a group all the time. So am I being an unfair child disagreeing to wait two years when I as an individual am more mature than many of the people in my grade and even in the grades above me?
By: susanaesop on July 11, 2008
at 3:22 pm
The maturity — or lack thereof — of others, doesn’t really make a good argument for how other parents should treat their child. An immature senior who is dating may speak volumes about her own family, as does an immature 12-year-old who is dating. But it doesn’t say much about the ages at which another child should date.
Maturity is demonstrated by responsibility. Responsibility is demonstrated by how one acts. Maturity and responsibility have to be demonstrated. Such demonstrations build trust. Parents grow to trust the child will act properly even when not supervised and the child, hopefully, grows to trust that her parents will keep their end of the bargain in allowing more freedom.
It is a process. There will be moving forward and going back. It is not dependent as much on age as how one acts. But at the beginning has to be the belief that what the parents are doing, even if it seems limiting and misguided, is based on a) experience (things they have seen and done that have yet to be experienced by the child), b) love and c) communication.
By: aesopsdaughters on July 12, 2008
at 3:44 am
I stumbled upon your blog from a Conversation at the Edge comment. As a mother of four daughters, I find this dialogue very interesting. I think I will invite my oldest daughter to read this and will comment after I think about this a bit. My oldest daughter is 15 and just starting High School. One book I’d like to recommend, “Sex God” by Rob Bell. I’ve done the purity talk with my kids, but so much of the ideas and concepts taught in the church can be received as “God says wait, so I better wait.” Rob Bells book deals with issues of sexuality in a very relevant manner. I am planning to read it again and ask my girls to read it before they leave home. One idea on the dating issue that comes to mind now, is that I’d rather have my daughter “practice” dating while she is still living at home so she has me and her dad to be there for her when she faces challenges in relationships. So, if she reads this she will probably get the hint that we may allow some sort of dating before she graduates High School
By: Elizabeth Chapin on July 17, 2008
at 5:01 pm
Thanks for stopping by Elizabeth. Also, thanks for the recommendation on the Rob Bell book. I saw one of his videos and found his style and thoughts quite interesting. Then I discovered the Evangelical back-lash against him online. That made him even more interesting to me.
I hope to continue the dialog about dating with my daughter. In some ways it seems easier in this forum than trying to sit down and talk it out face to face. We can each state our thoughts without feeling (for me) an almost overwhelming desire to interrupt with a “yes, but.”
We, my daughters and I, would also welcome other perspectives on this topic. Thanks.
By: aesopsdaughters on July 18, 2008
at 2:37 am
it is always weird to talk to my parents about dating. truthfully i’m not sure if i have the courage to do it at all. i mean i’m 13. somewhat like susan, and i just don’t know what to do. i mean there are many guys i am just friends with but get a acussed of being more than that from my parents. somedays it seems as though they do not want to hear me out on how i feel, they always i figure i’m to young to understand anything about dating. but i know more than they will think. i know how stupid some boys can be and i know when to say when. if my parents would make a little more effort to understand how i feel about the situation then maybe we would be more at an understanding,
i did notice that susan said, most boys only want one thing. which we all know of, and i do agree, of course there are the ones who maybe in it for the long run, those ones are hard to find. and that takes a while, but when the opertunitiy comes you just have to run with it before it’s gone. because when life passes infront of your eyes and you miss out on so much that you could’ve had, something so special that life brought you, and you have to miss it because your parents said no? thats just wrong, that person could’ve brought you friends you would’ve never made. and some much more fun you could’ve had, but to throw that all away because your parents said no. like i said, there is a point when i girl says when.
By: the secret kitten on August 6, 2008
at 6:33 am
Hey Its Susan… I totally agree Secret Kitten. I mean assumptions never help a situation, and when you find something and when its the first time. It’s something you don’t want to pass up. Because your passing up an experience that could have brought many things. I mean the first heartbreak is an important step for everyone. Especially near our age. Once you enter high school not everything is gonna go our way anymore and we have to understand that. So this one liberty that will lead us to many firsts I believe should be looked as our next step to the adulthood, another picture in the album of our life, and shouldn’t our parents want to be there with us. So they can console us when we do break and help us back up again?
By: Susan on August 6, 2008
at 6:45 am
you have a way with words susan
we would be great best friends
By: the secret kitten on August 6, 2008
at 6:49 am